Hugo and his Twilight Bedtime

My son Otto has a friend, Hugo.

Hugo’s life looks pretty good to Otto. He’s allowed to drink Vimto during the week (not just as a treat at weekends), he goes to bed an hour later than Otto, and he has a laptop with video games. 

For Otto, Hugo’s world appears bigger, brighter, and freer. 

It’s only natural that Otto feels a bit envious. 

And honestly, who among us hasn’t felt the same when they see their friend with a bigger house, their colleague with a fancy promotion, or their neighbour who always seems to be on holiday?

As parents, we weren’t quite sure how to address Otto’s envy. Then we asked him: “What are your three favourite things we do together?”

His answers:

1. Family Book Club – our slightly nerdy ritual where everyone piles into bed early, reading side by side until the boys are eventually nudged into their own rooms.
   
   
2. Going to Costa Coffee – I don’t know why he likes the place so much, but he does. I’ve taken him to some very nice independent coffee shops, but they all fall short of the national and ubiquitous chain.
   
   
3. Our Holidays Together – especially the six-week stretches we alternate each year as a family (despite my fears that they aren’t grateful, turns out they are!). 

Not one of his answers was about the coveted aspects of Hugo’s life. 

The Psychology of Envy

Envy is hardwired. Psychologists call it upward social comparison: we naturally measure ourselves against those who appear to have more. 

One study in Nature Human Behaviour, found that envy is strongest not when someone is vastly better off than us, but when the difference feels close—a peer, a neighbour, a friend.

That explains why Hugo’s later bedtime mattered so much to Otto, and why we as adults can be unsettled by a colleague’s promotion or a friend’s new car.

But there’s a counterbalance. Studies in positive psychology show that when we shift our focus from comparison to gratitude—from what others have to what we’ve chosen—we feel calmer, happier, and more resilient.

From Advice to Planning

I’ve noticed this shift in my own professional life.

In the early years, much of financial advice was transactional. Products solved a problem. The FSA (as our regulator was called) talked about the need to define your advice with “reasons why” someone needed a particular product. 

This is why financial planning is better: you start with your values, life goals, and the bigger picture. If you build your financial plan around what you care about, comparisons fade.

If your financial planning reflects your own choices, why envy others? And if something truly matters, just adjust the plan.

A Question Worth Asking

Envy is inevitable. We all have our Hugo moments. But when it strikes, perhaps the most useful thing we can do is pause and ask ourselves the question we asked Otto:

What are the three things I value most right now?

Chances are, your answers will look less like Hugo’s later bedtimes and more like book clubs, football in the park, and holidays with the people we love. 

Write your answers down, and you will have an enduring reminder that you are living a life by design with no room for envy.

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